Ever moving -
A tale of denying loneliness
I think, because of my mum, I am somebody who can not sit around and do nothing. She goes a mile a minute, and now so do I. Unlike my brother and dad, who are quite happy to lie around and relax, I am not that person. I fill my entire day up as much as I can, as I have said in the past, and want to do as much as I can in 24 hours.
Whether it is socialising or doing some hobby, I like to be constantly active, engaging my brain. Most days, it is guitar, or watching a show, or playing a game, but on days off it will be meeting up with friends or going to the gym or doing some sport. I regularly pursue these activities desperately, trying to find a way to fill my day. Maybe it is because I understand time is precious, and that each day is one day closer to the end, but maybe it is something more sad.
I came to this realisation as I went to sleep this week. I have a habit of going on tiktok in low light, and scrolling until I find a video which gives me a hearty laugh, a proper dopamine rush. As soon as I turn my phone off, and I dim the light, I am just sat there with my thoughts whilst I wait for sleep to consume my body. And this is the issue.
As soon as my brain doesn’t have stimulus, the bad thoughts come. I am lay there, thinking of former friends, former partners, mistakes in my past. My heart sinks, and I struggle to sleep, because all I can see in that darkness is my failures and loves lost, all the stupid things I’ve done and the people I’ve hurt, the times I’ve been hurt. It weighs on my chest, it’s as though something in the black nothingness surrounding me is feeding on the little positive energy I have.
I almost compare it to tinnitus. Due to the sheer amount of concerts I have been to, when a room is silent, I can hear the ringing in my ears, a precursor for losing my hearing at an older age. Filling my day with sounds and distractions means I never really think about it, until I am alone and in silence. Then, it is obvious, and it is all I can think about. The same can be said for these depressing memories which flood back to me, these distractions help me lose all sense of what has been and instead I live in the here and now.
Maybe it is not only the silence and the lack of stimulation. It could also be the fact I am alone, in the darkness. I have nobody next to me, which reminds me I am single and without somebody to share it with me. And from there, it is a snowball effect where everything comes to me at once. It just feels like I’m running away from an inescapable force, like I am trying to stop leaks in a ship which is going down.
But, you cannot keep running from these issues, eventually these emotions can no longer be suppressed. They need to be confronted, not denied. Denying and not accepting the past is not healthy, as it means you are not given the opportunity to learn and grow from these experiences, instead you are just doomed to repeat them. My idea is to take my happy memories, and rather than making them sad through nostalgia, make them bittersweet and grateful to have experienced them.
I want to go to sleep and think about my time in America, my new job, my friends, my happy place. But before I can look at these memories, I must first go into the darkness, both literally and figuratively. I must tackle my bad experiences head on, accept what has happened, and let it go. Holding resentment for the past drags you down, and means you cannot flourish and reach new heights. So, when I go to sleep tonight, I will sit there and ponder these negative thoughts, and hopefully, I will rest better knowing they are no longer like an incessant ringing in my ears.
