Advice for Me at 18
The benefits of hindsight
I’d say, at 18 years old, I was probably at my most unhappy. This might seem unusual for most, as many consider this age to be the time of maturity and growth, but for me, my life was in a rut. I was severely peer pressured, in a bad relationship, struggling in college, and felt genuinely alone. Looking back now, 5 years later, it would have been hard to imagine how far I would come, but if I could go back to that time, with the experiences I now have, this is what I would tell myself.
It is not selfish to prioritise yourself over others sometimes
An issue I struggled with and still do to some extent today is putting others before myself — not in a traditional selfish way, but the inverse, as I tend to put others before myself to my own detriment. Rather than looking after myself, I would rather check in on everybody else, maintain one sided friendships, and do favours for people who would probably not do them for me in return.
It comes back to my self-hatred, which I have been in a constant war with myself over for a long time. I have never truly liked myself, I don’t feel special or talented in any way, and I don’t think I’m lovable for the most part. My quality is patience and a kind heart, which I always use to better others. I cannot generate my own happiness, as my happiness comes from bringing others joy.
This is an unhealthy habit, which thankfully I am slowly learning to get out of. But 18 year old Lewis was a serial self hater and always did things for others without thinking of himself. You come to realise that living like this is not sustainable, and it is not selfish to prioritise your own mental health and needs when it is necessary to do so, as you can not always be selfless, especially when those around you cannot match this energy.
Appreciate the little moments
I would also tell my 18 year old self to relax more and enjoy the small things. As mentioned previously, I categorise and compartmentalise my life so much, sometimes my hobbies feel like chores. For my past self, this was a particular issue, as due to my depression and constant anxiety, I could never enjoy simple pleasures most others enjoyed.
Spending time with friends and family, however small or unmemorable it may be, should always be appreciated, because in the future, what will I have? All that I am is all that my experiences have made me, and if you cannot enjoy small delights, then you can not appreciate the larger ones to the fullest extent.
Don’t let others hold you back from going for your dreams
Now, this used to be a major issue of mine. In some aspects, I was rather independent and free thinking. I wanted to do French at College, so rather than take the safe road and stay local with my friends and not do it, I decided to go to a college an hour away when I couldn’t drive. I knew nobody there, and it was a terrible decision due to hating french and feeling awful there, but I’m still glad I did it, because it opened my eyes to what I wanted to do and who I could rely upon.
Even with that big step, then going to university, I always put off camp America, even though I’d wanted to do it since I was a kid. Every summer, it was because I had a girlfriend, or we had a family trip, or I didn’t want to miss fresher’s week. Over and over, I put off one of my childhood dreams, because of FOMO. Going to America this summer made me realise that I wish I had never let others hold me back to do what I want to do, and I will not let that stop me from now on.
Learn to speak your mind
Similar to putting others before yourself, speaking your mind comes with many negative connotations. If you are demanding for what you want and have conviction, it can be classed as being bossy or loud-mouthed. But it is not a negative thing all the time, saying out loud how you feel about something or taking control of a situation doesn’t make you commanding, it makes you a human. You are capable of expressing your emotions and calling people out for toxic behaviour.
I wish teenage me had known this. Too many times, I let people walk all over me, use me, talk to me like I was worthless, and it attacked my mental health constantly. I always struggled to end any wrong relationships, because I was scared to call out bad treatment or negative points of what we had.
Don’t create attachments so quickly
Something which probably still affects me most to this day is creating attachments to people too quickly and letting anxiety and imagination take my mind to dark or fantastical places. I try not to become attached too quickly, but my lack of consistent emotional connection and my overworking brain causes me to fall for people too quickly, or to become too close to somebody too soon. Like at summer camp, I fell for somebody who I wish I hadn’t, because I was so busy imagining a future, I didn’t see the warning signs in the present.
I would say 18 year old Lewis had the same issue. Joining university, I had became way too infatuated with any girl who showed me any attention, and always rushed into relationships. Even friendships, I became too familiar too quick in some cases. It is something I am constantly working to improve, but I am a very passionate person and it is something I struggle to switch off.
Things will get better
Overall, if I could travel time and sit my younger self down, I would remind him that things will get better. He will be in happy relationships, he will have unbelievable experiences, he will meet people from all other the world he will call a friend, and he will be in a job which he enjoys. He may be single and still suffering from some of the issues which plague him at that point in his life, but he will continue to grow as a person and will become more introspective.
I hope when I reach 28, I can do another sit down with myself from now and we can talk of all the great joys yet to come.
